As a woman sometimes we place so much focus on the type of guy we want to marry, but less emphasis on the kind of woman we are to be, not for him, but for ourselves. I grew up being taught to write down a list of things you want to see in your future husband. As a born again, top of my list was Man of God, Prayer warrior, worshiper, business man etc .
As I grew older I learned that such men don’t just happen, they are groomed in Gods secret making process, which may not be complete by the time I say I do… The other day while going through this list. I started asking myself I wonder if my husband to be had the same list? Would I match up to his criteria? It hit me then that it is less about what I want him to be, but more about the kind of woman I had to be to for myself first, before I can be what he desires.
It then dawned on me that perhaps the greatest mistake that we make as woman is that we place so much emphasis on the perfection that he must possess, that we neglect dealing with our own imperfections. Somehow we believe that marriage will deal with the areas that we would rather not expose. One thing that I have come to know, is that marriage doesn’t heal or deal with what you never exposed. The demons that you fail to acknowledge will not just disappear because of his presence in your life.
So now my prayer has changed from GOD bring Mr the right man, to God prepare me to be the right woman, not for him, but for me, for the sustainability of what we will once day share. It scary I won’t lie to have to deal with issues that you thought you had mastered, but that’s the first point of healing. Being able to acknowledge that I am not perfect and need God to do an intense surgery from within. Because there is no way I can even begin to love someone else’s imperfections if I can’t love myself.
I’m learning that If I want things to change in my life it has to start with me. For so long I tried to separate who I was from what I did until I finally accepted that I needed it all to be whole. I can no longer pretend that I didn’t feel ashamed for the many detours my life made along the way. I have taken the task of washing my rags with Grace. I have come to accept that I cannot undo what I’d done, but I don’t have to accept a lifetime of punishment for it either. I don’t have to accept pain just because I hurt others. I don’t have to settle just because I was afraid to dream. I don’t need a project just because I want to hide my own rubble.
I am learning that You can’t keep pretending you aren’t aching. All my life I wanted to heal other people and ignore my own bleeding. I don’t believe marriage was meant to be a bandaid to cover our pain, no more than church became the place where we pretend we’re okay. In the safety of our lover’s arm with God’s presence hovering above we pray our love gives them the strength to sift through their rags. How could I motivate healing unless I started with myself?
This isn’t about staying married, getting divorced, or falling in love. This is about recognizing that you have to search for the beauty in your rags so that you can help someone else see the beauty in their own. It’s not about being with someone who makes it easier for you to ignore your imperfections, its about creating a love that inspires growth. Starting with you and spreading that love to all you encounter…
A better tomorrow is reserved for those brave enough to embrace their past, exhale their shame, and create hope in the face of doubt. Because I’m tired of dividing who we could be, who we are, and who we once were… I can’t ignore my past and have a full future. I’m going to show my children that we don’t always get it right, but we never stop trying. I’ll teach them that some tears you cry over and over until you get to the root of the problem. And I’ll strive to teach them that you have to love yourself first, because that’s the only way you can truly love another imperfect person…
